Yesterday was an extremely difficult day. In fact, if felt similar to some Sunday's after my DC experience, except without my grandmother's shoulder to cry on, my aunt to hold me in another room, or my parents to lean on. That makes it quite a bit more difficult to hold the tears at bay, but I did it. Granted, I was on the verge of tears several times, and I think at least one person thought it was because I was having difficulty understanding, but, no. That wasn't it. Actually, it had nothing to do with church and everything to do with a two year old. Fancy that, reduced to tears by a two year old. Yup, that's a difficult pill to swallow. Made all the more difficult, of course, by the fact that there is another two year old in France who really likes me and I didn't see her that weekend. I would never claim to be 'wonder woman' when it comes to children (that's the domain of my sister), but kids usually, eventually, like me. And I can handle a difficult child. But not this one. No, this one hated me - or at least that's what it felt like. I couldn't even look at her without her turning away and beginning to fuss - just a teensy-weensy stab to the heart, that was.
Before I continue, I should lay out what might be going through this little girl's mind...
1. I arrived Wednesday afternoon and Thursday morning, mama was gone (on a school trip lasting 8 days).
2. I sit in mama's seat at the table and in the car, not mama.
3. I come to pick her up at her nounou's (home daycare sitter - and sp anyone?), not mama.
4. I can't speak French well, so she can't understand me well.
5. I'm a stranger. How can I have authority over her?
Needless to say, even if she didn't show signs of the stereotypical terrible twos, that would warrant enough for her to be wary of me. And even though I've seen her fuss (and by fuss, I do mean throw tantrums, or near tantrums) for many other people and I recognize all those uncertainties she could be feeling, she still reduced me to tears. How is that? Well, I think she became the trigger, setting loose the torrential flood of emotions being cooped up (many of which I wasn't consciously aware of till now). Here are a few compounding issues that come to mind (after some reflection and conversation with Mimi).
1. This is the first weekend I haven't been at the McDaniel's since I've started working with the Semailles (I should really start calling it Grain de Blé France or GDBF, since that is the new name). And though I'm doing well and it's not a bad change, it is a change.
2. I'm used to seeing two children who really like me every weekend, and here it's a bit different.
3. I had expectations of this going differently, so I'm mourning those expectations.
4. This whole week has been different, with coming to Timothée's. Again, that's not a bad change, but it is a change.
5. I have my scan on Friday, and while it was a long way off, I could push it to the back of my mind, but now it's nearly here.
6. Getting close to my sixth month marker, and that's typically a time that culture shock presents itself anew.
7. It's the tail-end of a monthly fluctuation in hormones.
8. I'm frustrated with myself for not being able to communicate well.
There may be more, but this is all I'm aware of at this point in time.
Today seemed to be going a bit better - I felt better at least (aside from being embarrassed about letting Tim see me cry - kkheeah - I know it's human and healthy, but I hate the vulnerability crying entails. And I want to be a counselor. If I can't accept my vulnerability, how will I help others accept their's?), until we got the youngest from her nounou's and she still didn't like me. I wanted to cry anew, and was again barely holding it together. I had thought through how to handle situations with her, but they weren't working and I was freezing up. Supper time went a bit better (oh, btw, we had escargot yesterday and raclette today) and after dinner she seemed to be a tad bit less wary of me. I don't know what happened but soon after that, something seemed to click. I just felt better. And, in turn, she seemed to feel better about me. Huh... we'll see if this lasts, but even if she decides to not like me again, if I can continue to hold on to this change within me, I think I'll be alright :)
And, I apologize to all those who dealt with me when I was a child. I wasn't difficult (at least, according to my parents), but I didn't like new people or situations. And, I wouldn't fuss, per say, I would just hold everything in until it burst forth on it's own - kind of like I still do a lot of the time...
Before I continue, I should lay out what might be going through this little girl's mind...
1. I arrived Wednesday afternoon and Thursday morning, mama was gone (on a school trip lasting 8 days).
2. I sit in mama's seat at the table and in the car, not mama.
3. I come to pick her up at her nounou's (home daycare sitter - and sp anyone?), not mama.
4. I can't speak French well, so she can't understand me well.
5. I'm a stranger. How can I have authority over her?
Needless to say, even if she didn't show signs of the stereotypical terrible twos, that would warrant enough for her to be wary of me. And even though I've seen her fuss (and by fuss, I do mean throw tantrums, or near tantrums) for many other people and I recognize all those uncertainties she could be feeling, she still reduced me to tears. How is that? Well, I think she became the trigger, setting loose the torrential flood of emotions being cooped up (many of which I wasn't consciously aware of till now). Here are a few compounding issues that come to mind (after some reflection and conversation with Mimi).
1. This is the first weekend I haven't been at the McDaniel's since I've started working with the Semailles (I should really start calling it Grain de Blé France or GDBF, since that is the new name). And though I'm doing well and it's not a bad change, it is a change.
2. I'm used to seeing two children who really like me every weekend, and here it's a bit different.
3. I had expectations of this going differently, so I'm mourning those expectations.
4. This whole week has been different, with coming to Timothée's. Again, that's not a bad change, but it is a change.
5. I have my scan on Friday, and while it was a long way off, I could push it to the back of my mind, but now it's nearly here.
6. Getting close to my sixth month marker, and that's typically a time that culture shock presents itself anew.
7. It's the tail-end of a monthly fluctuation in hormones.
8. I'm frustrated with myself for not being able to communicate well.
There may be more, but this is all I'm aware of at this point in time.
Today seemed to be going a bit better - I felt better at least (aside from being embarrassed about letting Tim see me cry - kkheeah - I know it's human and healthy, but I hate the vulnerability crying entails. And I want to be a counselor. If I can't accept my vulnerability, how will I help others accept their's?), until we got the youngest from her nounou's and she still didn't like me. I wanted to cry anew, and was again barely holding it together. I had thought through how to handle situations with her, but they weren't working and I was freezing up. Supper time went a bit better (oh, btw, we had escargot yesterday and raclette today) and after dinner she seemed to be a tad bit less wary of me. I don't know what happened but soon after that, something seemed to click. I just felt better. And, in turn, she seemed to feel better about me. Huh... we'll see if this lasts, but even if she decides to not like me again, if I can continue to hold on to this change within me, I think I'll be alright :)
And, I apologize to all those who dealt with me when I was a child. I wasn't difficult (at least, according to my parents), but I didn't like new people or situations. And, I wouldn't fuss, per say, I would just hold everything in until it burst forth on it's own - kind of like I still do a lot of the time...
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